“Self Nurture is more than pampering.
It is about becoming powerful.”
Jennifer Louden,
The Comfort Queen’s Guide to Life.
Our topic of the month is Self-Nurture and since we take the first part of our name from the word Nurture, I’d like to tell you NEW’s definition of it. Lately “Self Nurture” has become a “self help” buzzword for women which promises when achieved to miraculously take away all problems and bring total happiness. Self Nurture books tell us, who feel terribly taken for granted as we thanklessly take care of everyone else’s needs, to treat ourselves to a massage, mud bath, facial, cheesecake or some other reward for surviving a lousy day or week.
But is this the definition of nurture when we apply it in use with our husbands and our children? I hope we go beyond the back massages and Hostess cupcakes when we nurture them. Isn’t it that we take care of their basic needs, including cooking nutritious meals they like, cleaning up after them and making sure they are clothed correctly for the elements? This is the everyday non-glamorous nurture that we provide for them without even thinking.
Problems arrive, however, when we take care of others’ needs at the neglect of our own needs. How many times have you fed everyone breakfast and arrive at work hungry? How many times have you packed three other lunches to discover you forgot to do one for yourself? Thus you can end up being a woman running on empty, giving out of lack which can lead not only to burnout but also to resentment.
The sad truth is that if we don’t take care of ourselves no one else will. Sociologist Martha Beck in her book, Breaking Point tells how women being the last to be liberated are stuck having no one left like a wife or a mother to take care of our needs. Whether this is fair or not, it becomes clear that since we don’t have someone to take care of us, we have to nurture ourselves. This is the self-nurture I’m speaking of: taking care of yourself first so that you have something to give, to nurture others with. Why are we, who are taught to put ourselves last, considered selfish, bad mothers, demanding spouses or spoiled princesses if we put ourselves first? If we do succumb to a massage or pedicure it is because we have neglected our own needs for so long that we try to make up for it with other indulgences.
Jennifer Louden in her book, The Comfort Queen writes that “Self Nurture is not a reward for the crap you go through in life, it is the ground of your being that you create your life with – your attitude.”
What does the way you nurture or don’t nurture yourself have to say about you and your feelings toward your own worthiness? Is it that everyone else is more important than you, or that you are not worthy of good treatment? Do you have to be a good girl and take care of everyone else first, and only then can earn or deserve some good treatment for yourself? Have you noticed that most men after a long day at work are not questioned about vegetating on the couch watching TV after they get home or about going out for golf or a sporting event with the guys? Yet when Mom wants to go out with the girls the first question asked is, “Who’s going to watch the kids, do their homework, and get them ready for bed? Yes and who is going to feel the guilt about neglecting these needs? Even when a woman has a “day to herself” it is sometimes more work because she feels the need to make sure that the kids’ clothes are laid out for the clothing-challenged spouse, diaper bag is stocked, and car seat in Dad’s car before she dares venture alone outside the door.
Some of my favorite activities at Christmas time are finding stocking stuffers and filling Christmas stockings – something I definitely like better than wrapping gifts. Each year, however, I noticed a strange phenomenon occurring. Everyone else would end up having a plump stocking stuffed with all kinds of goodies that I had put in, catered to their individual liking. But not so my own stocking. It remained flat and empty. In order to solve this dilemma and the resentment which always followed, I tried to drop hints, and do the martyr co-dependent routine of bemoaning my flat stocking state - but to no avail. Fed up one year, I bought myself one of my favorite German chocolate bars and slid it in my stocking. Wow! My stocking was beginning to take a little shape. Each year I got brave enough to buy a few more treats along with equalizing the Christmas candy I put in each stocking, finally including my own and, tah dah! No more flat stocking.
What a perfect example of self-nurture. How can we give whole-heartedly without expectations of appreciation or approval returning, if we are giving out of an empty stocking, secretly hoping and praying that others will reward us for our generosity, and stuff ours in return. We need to love and respect ourselves enough to take care of our own nurture, so that we have a full stocking upon which to draw.
What are some ways that you truly nurture yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually -how do you stuff your own stocking?
The Comfort Queen’s Guide to Life.
Our topic of the month is Self-Nurture and since we take the first part of our name from the word Nurture, I’d like to tell you NEW’s definition of it. Lately “Self Nurture” has become a “self help” buzzword for women which promises when achieved to miraculously take away all problems and bring total happiness. Self Nurture books tell us, who feel terribly taken for granted as we thanklessly take care of everyone else’s needs, to treat ourselves to a massage, mud bath, facial, cheesecake or some other reward for surviving a lousy day or week.
But is this the definition of nurture when we apply it in use with our husbands and our children? I hope we go beyond the back massages and Hostess cupcakes when we nurture them. Isn’t it that we take care of their basic needs, including cooking nutritious meals they like, cleaning up after them and making sure they are clothed correctly for the elements? This is the everyday non-glamorous nurture that we provide for them without even thinking.
Problems arrive, however, when we take care of others’ needs at the neglect of our own needs. How many times have you fed everyone breakfast and arrive at work hungry? How many times have you packed three other lunches to discover you forgot to do one for yourself? Thus you can end up being a woman running on empty, giving out of lack which can lead not only to burnout but also to resentment.
The sad truth is that if we don’t take care of ourselves no one else will. Sociologist Martha Beck in her book, Breaking Point tells how women being the last to be liberated are stuck having no one left like a wife or a mother to take care of our needs. Whether this is fair or not, it becomes clear that since we don’t have someone to take care of us, we have to nurture ourselves. This is the self-nurture I’m speaking of: taking care of yourself first so that you have something to give, to nurture others with. Why are we, who are taught to put ourselves last, considered selfish, bad mothers, demanding spouses or spoiled princesses if we put ourselves first? If we do succumb to a massage or pedicure it is because we have neglected our own needs for so long that we try to make up for it with other indulgences.
Jennifer Louden in her book, The Comfort Queen writes that “Self Nurture is not a reward for the crap you go through in life, it is the ground of your being that you create your life with – your attitude.”
What does the way you nurture or don’t nurture yourself have to say about you and your feelings toward your own worthiness? Is it that everyone else is more important than you, or that you are not worthy of good treatment? Do you have to be a good girl and take care of everyone else first, and only then can earn or deserve some good treatment for yourself? Have you noticed that most men after a long day at work are not questioned about vegetating on the couch watching TV after they get home or about going out for golf or a sporting event with the guys? Yet when Mom wants to go out with the girls the first question asked is, “Who’s going to watch the kids, do their homework, and get them ready for bed? Yes and who is going to feel the guilt about neglecting these needs? Even when a woman has a “day to herself” it is sometimes more work because she feels the need to make sure that the kids’ clothes are laid out for the clothing-challenged spouse, diaper bag is stocked, and car seat in Dad’s car before she dares venture alone outside the door.
Some of my favorite activities at Christmas time are finding stocking stuffers and filling Christmas stockings – something I definitely like better than wrapping gifts. Each year, however, I noticed a strange phenomenon occurring. Everyone else would end up having a plump stocking stuffed with all kinds of goodies that I had put in, catered to their individual liking. But not so my own stocking. It remained flat and empty. In order to solve this dilemma and the resentment which always followed, I tried to drop hints, and do the martyr co-dependent routine of bemoaning my flat stocking state - but to no avail. Fed up one year, I bought myself one of my favorite German chocolate bars and slid it in my stocking. Wow! My stocking was beginning to take a little shape. Each year I got brave enough to buy a few more treats along with equalizing the Christmas candy I put in each stocking, finally including my own and, tah dah! No more flat stocking.
What a perfect example of self-nurture. How can we give whole-heartedly without expectations of appreciation or approval returning, if we are giving out of an empty stocking, secretly hoping and praying that others will reward us for our generosity, and stuff ours in return. We need to love and respect ourselves enough to take care of our own nurture, so that we have a full stocking upon which to draw.
What are some ways that you truly nurture yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually -how do you stuff your own stocking?
I have tried to go away by myself once a year and have been at Bed and Breakfasts in La Jolla and Temecula. Last year I went local - or in order from keeping me being local I spent two nights in Laguna Beach with a jacuzzi tub, pool, and the remote all to myself, all this plus the beautiful beach. This year with the economic situation I will limit myself to daily excursions. Anyone have any ideas?
MJ Buist
NEW Ministries
MJ Buist
NEW Ministries
Whoever is MJ?
(Oh my gosh, there’s another acronym)
MJ Buist is the founder of New Ministries and chief writer for NEWletter. MJ. is short for Merrijoy. She is married with two sons ages 16 and 11, and currently supports her writing as a substitute teacher. She is a Diaconal Minister of the United Methodist Church. Diaconal Ministers are those called to bring love, service, and justice into the world. MJ feels especially called to bring nurture and wholeness to women today.
Hi Merrijoy,
ReplyDeleteI so happy to see you share your full name. It is such a beautiful name. Were you a happy baby?
One way you nurture yourself is through writing. I have found great joy in creating blogs. The blogs are not so much for others as they are for me. They are one way to keep a record of my life and the beauty or pain I experience. I suspect it is the same for you. Thank you, Merrijoy, for sharing your blog with me.
Thanks Lunette, my little moon. You are my first comment, thanks where is your blog?
ReplyDelete